Smile and Die

I rarely find anything worth blogging about, don't I? Ashes to Flames is basically about feelings, girls, mindless rambling, feelings, girls... and feelings. I mentioned feelings, didn't I? Yes, feelings.

2010 has been different to me. Well, every year is, but then... 2010 felt significantly different. I learned about how complex feelings can be, the depth of feelings, their ever-changing chemistry between people and just how very tiring they can be to normal teenagers like you and me. Sometimes borderline suffering.

I've discovered of how to actually like a person.

Discovered rejection (indirectly, mind you.), and how bloody hell painful it was.

That spike, blasted spike from the pits of the underworld, a piece of Hades' own black soul, just puncturing your heart like a buttering knife slicing a bun...

You get over it.

Weak. Hurt. Bloody. Teared up. You get over it. (yeah, you do.)

I'm alive, aren't I?

So like the opening scenes from Halo: Reach, you pick up your assault rifle after a long day and just walk up that hill to get a face full of sunshine... the new horizon!

And you just see another bloody day coming your way. Horizon's there, but it's dark red and screaming at you. Sure, birds fly and the sun shines, but the heat gets to you, and that deja vu from the previous battle stirs up your insides.

You get ready your gun, but you know, once it's over, it's gonna start all over again. The same hill, the same anticipation for a happy ending... but a different horizon with a new kind of horror. Sometimes you wish you were just dead, and heck with all this.

It's just not worth it.

Or maybe you're detached from all of it? Hide in the shadows, and strike from within the shadows. Like the lone hero from Assassin's Creed: Brotherhood, you have nothing to lose and you just work it all until the end. No one's waiting for you once you're done, so just end it all with a jab of that hidden blade.

No one knows, no one cares.

I can't say much. What I have locked in my mind can compromise everything I care for. But I do wish someone can unlock them. Anybody willing to do an extraction from my dreams like Dominic Cobb from Inception?

Then you'll get to see my dreams. Dark, blank, empty and meaningless. Yet under that seemingly plain blanket a sea of storms pulses, sucking in everything that gives me peace and serenity.

I try to make people happy. I try, I really do. And in the end, I get shot in the heart. But I don't care. As long as that person is happy... what can I do?

Smile and die.

xD

*This post has nothing whatsoever to do with anyone real, fiction, or even dead. Not related to anyone. No. Not really.*

*Maybe one.*

Break Free! *RENGEKI!*

I will feel better when I post this up. I am so stressed right now. My results weren't bad, but I'm not happy with them. And that's just Trials. Teachers were sympathetic, and passed me on a couple of subjects.

I so do not need pity. What I need is bloody strength. And the guts to be truthful to myself. To her. To everyone I know.

I will kill SPM ( meaning, just pass it with flying colours ), go to college. Finish studies, and start anew.

I do not want to be grounded. Lemme go free. Gimme my WINGS! Ever heard of the Wings of Liberty? That's what I want!

That's what I need.

And I want love.

And since I'm at it, I won't mind world peace, too.

I'm gonna break free of this, and no, I'm not breaking into a High School Musical number!

No, no, no!

Can I go ''Na, na, na'' instead? Gerard Way kicks ass, and that ass is Zac Efron's.

EFF YOU, STRESS-MITES, IMMA GONNA COUNTERATTACK YOUR MENTAL ATTACKS ON MY BROKEN SOUL!

I need my guitar, so, ciao, folks.

I'm gonna start a comic soon. Check my FB page in a couple of weeks. What's it about? Imagine Scott Pilgrim feat. Green Day in a Malaysian high school setting.

The Last of the Malaysian Girls

You have no idea of how many hours I stared at this blank box, thinking of something to type about. Seriously. So many things happened these past few days, yet I've no inclination to elaborate about those events, except that they were quite uncomfortable.

Enough of that, now! So instead of brainstorming for another couple of years, I've decided to blog about these girls. No, they're not the Last of the Malaysian Girls, but they're certainly brilliant, funny and pretty, and no, the last part wasn't bullshit. Well. Maybe for Hui Jan. I'm JOKING!

And please excuse the title, I'm so hooked up on Green Day's the Last of the American Girls. Have you seen the music video? Oh, you should. Finger-pointing-explosive melody, that one.

So, readers, let's begin with Girl Number One!

Hui Jan / Jan / Boss (as I call her)

Yes, that's Hui Jan. Don't mess with her fellas; she's the Discipline Officer I in our school, and man, she packs a mean can of whoop-ass. Her smile is as nasty as her roar. Ha-ha, I'm joking. No, Hui Jan is actually a cool girl. She's one of the few girls I know who shares my liking towards Green Day. Though she loves these punk-rockers from the marijuana-induced band, she's also smart. Damn smart. If you read her blog, you know she's an avid player of Scrabble. Have you seen her play? I did. I play Scrabble too, and thought I was good at it. That's until I saw Hui Jan play... my playing skills were like child's play compared to Hui Jan's. She plays like a Titan from Greek mythology. No, it's not exaggeration, you fools! Another thing about her, you can see the fine line that divides Hui Jan into funny mode and serious mode. She's ferocious and mean when time demands it, and she's understanding and kind when the situation is light. You have to respect someone with that rare ability. I can't be serious. I'm too immature. Thumbs up, Boss!

All right, let's move on to Girl Number Two!

Jacie Tan Cheng Hwee / Slit-Eyed Japanese Girl (she looked like one during Citrawarna, with all that spiky hair. Mind you, they were really spikes with the amount of gel that was used.)

She's the girl on the left, readers. One word before I begin about her; crazy. Don't get me wrong; it's the fun and good type of crazy! She gets even crazier when she's with her crew! Don't get me started on her group of friends. But you can't be angry about that! I mean, yeah, they once hijacked my DSLR; got pretty pissed about that, but then I laughed when I saw the pictures they took. Do you wanna be angry when you see a picture of girls posing their butts in front of the camera? Fully clothed, I repeat, fully clothed. I laughed until my lungs collapsed, and then deleted the picture. I'm pretty sure my mom wouldn't be happy with that kind of picture in my DSLR. Yeah, that's Jacie. Crazy reader too. Right now she's going on and on about a book called Fire and seduced (I wonder if this is the proper term) Xin You to read it. He loved it too, and he said it was about the girls (that's understandable) and the humour in Fire that makes it a good book. She's as fun as she's crazy, and among all these girls, she makes me laugh the hardest. Though I never really admitted that to her. She's the kind of girl who can raise your spirits too. When you're feeling down, this girl will slap you and say, ''Buck the f*ck up, idiot!'' Well, she never actually did that, but the energy's there. That's what I think of you, Jacie. Awesome and another thumbs up!

Hello, here's Girl Number Three!

Yap Ee Leng / Mada / ''T'' (her favourite letter on MSN)

One of my best buds. That's Ee Leng, and yeah, she's cool. No, no, not ''cool'', but cool. Note the Italic usage. Yeah, and whenever I'm blur on Chinese culture, she sits down with me and explains about that particular matter. De facto points. She's like my own Wikipedia. I'm a fan of anime, and this girl is too! There was a time when we used to swap stories and once, both of us got hooked on this show, Code Geass. Have you finish watching it yet, Ee Leng? She also introduced to me the fantastic sea-plant, the abalone. Before that, I thought abalone was some sort of fish. And I still am shocked such a small plant costs a lot. Ee Leng's a great listener as well, and with the next girl I'm about to type about, they're the best pair of pals that's around. We really need to go to an anime exhibit sometime, Mada. Don't worry, tickets are on me! And of course, you get a thumbs up!

Ehem. Step up, Girl Number Four.

Madeleine / Maddie / Mad / Mom (she really does act like it, sometimes)

Last girl, but of course, not the least! That's Maddie Tsl, and boy, she's hot! Fellas (boys, esp) she's available. Wooh! Anyway, this girl is like my sister. Really. Sometimes my mom. ''You look like a drug dealer with that hoodie!'' ''But I like hoodies, Mo-- I mean, Mad!'' ''We need to get you new clothes.'' In the end, she bought me a ''I'm a Virgin'' T-shirt for my birthday. When teamed up with Ee Leng, like I said before, they're the best at looking out for me. They even forced me to have my own birthday party! Not that I resent it, gosh, I loved it! Being another of my best buddies, she's awesome at art. A couple of days she's been working off her-- erm, let's just say energy-- to finish her batik for her arts project. She says it's not proper and looks off, but heck, me and Ee Leng said it looks awesome. Stylish. Ee Leng even admitted that it looked like a fashionable mango, but then again, she was hungry at that time. Like Ee Leng too, Maddie is a good listener. Gives good advice as well. That's why sometimes I call her ''Onee-Chan!'' which is Japanese for ''Big Sister''! Though without doubt, I am bigger than her. Great Big Sister though. And that certainly earns her a thumbs up!

So. These are but the few of the girls in my life. There are others, and one more I'd like to type about, but I'm gonna leave that to rest. Quit raising eyebrows, I know what you're thinking. If you don't, just nod as if you do.

I have to repeat myself that these girls are brilliant, funny and pretty. Yes, Hui Jan included. Excellent friends, what a person like me would hope for. If you're raising your eyebrows again, I do have guys as friends also. But I'm gonna save that for another post.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is truly the Last of the Malaysian Girls!

She puts her make-up on
Like graffiti on the walls of the heartland
She's got a little book
Of conspiracies right in her hand
She is paranoid
Endangered species, heading into extinction
She is one of a kind
She's the Last of the American-- err, I mean-- Malaysian Girls!

Thanks for visiting, folks!